What do you think makes me right for the job?
Well I believe I’m extremely qualified. I have a Bachelor of Fine Arts degree from New York University, one of the finest universities in the nation, some might even say in the world.
No, yes, I know this job is not for performing and that is what I got my degree in, but I learned an extreme amount of other skills there too. And don’t worry I will not get too personal. Or ask too many questions. Just smart questions. And I follow orders well. Because I need to. I learned how to work really hard on no hours of sleep or how to get creative when all the lightbulbs shatter in the cab on the way to rehearsal or how to make peanut butter sandwiches when you can’t afford bread.
Yes that’s just peanut butter. Most likely on a spoon. You’re right. Ha. And, uh, not to say I was ever poor, because I wasn’t. I handle money really well. I’m an excellent budget-er. I would handle this company’s money really well. I would also consider myself a people person. I know how to talk to almost anyone. One afternoon while attempting to read a book in Washington Square Park I had an entire conversation with a homeless man about how he believes us all to be reptiles, but he is technically a reptile king and he can see the colors of people’s auras without even knowing them and that he can tell by my aura that I’m constantly struggling against the world so if I just stopped fighting the current so often maybe I could actually find success somewhere.
Not to say I that I fight often. Or that I get irrationally angry. Or that I’m emotional. That is not what I mean. He was just a crazy person and was looking to relate someone. Not that I’m crazy. I’m not crazy. I am creative. I love creating things and figuring out solutions and typing emails. I won’t get too creative though. I won’t do something stupid like sign my emails with “catch you good looking mother fuckers lata.” Oh I don’t cuss. I use very eloquent language. I’m a poet actually. I write poetry. Not necessarily your traditional kind of poetry that people speak, uh, in front of each other, and sometimes they yell and cry onstage, in front of everyone and share secrets they haven’t shared with their own mother and explore the hollowest caverns of themselves.
I will not get too personal. Or ask too many questions. Just smart questions. And I follow orders well. Because I need to. I mean because I want to. Because I want this job. Because I’d be good at it. I know how to sit in my chair like a lady. I know how to type 74 words a minute. I know how to wear a pencil skirt and tuck in my shirt and put my cowboy boots away for the just-the-weekend and apply my eyeliner in one smooth sweep. Because I can’t not have this job anymore. Because I’m the waves of debt are making all my water bottles taste like salt. I haven’t bought new socks in over a year. I have already lost my apartment. I have stopped imagining a world where I’d ever be able to save any part of my paycheck because this is what it will feel like every month for the next 20 years. The idea that any audition would even let me in the room is so 6 years ago. Being optimistic and having the right attitude and believing that my passion would be able to carry me through the coldest parts of wondering if I would actually have to walk the streets some nights pretending I had a bed to sleep in, well those times are gone and I paid all this money for an education that everyone has and I’m no different than anybody else. Everyone has this charming idea of what the bohemian life looks like, how the starving artist keeps so thin and full of strife to write and sing and perform about. What they don’t know is they don’t exist anymore. I am what the starving artist has become. Weighed down so heavy by debt that they push the artist parts of themselves inside the pocket of this blazer and put on just the right lip gloss and heels to get the job. So I’m here. To get the job. And I work hard so I think I’ll be perfect for it. I will not get too personal. Or ask too many questions. Just smart questions. And I follow orders well. Because I need to.
Thanks so much for your time. I’ll wait for you to call me.