1 Cook macaroni and cheese ninja turtle style.
2. Brew some coffee at 2am.
3. Watch another episode of 30 Rock so I can memorize as many Tracy Jordan quotes as possible.
4. Memorize as many Tracy Jordan quotes as possible.
5. Learn a Chopin song on my piano.
6. Wash my hair.
7. Drink another glass of wine.
8. Draw a mustache on my finger.
9. Pick up Infinite Jest again.
10. Or read anything else that is easier than Infinite Jest.
11. Text my sister.
12. Knock on Spencer’s door.
13. Invite Amie over to make smoothies.
14. Paint my toenails.
15. Cut my own bangs.
16. Jump rope.
17. Build a fort complete with pizza oven.
18. Knit myself a hat.
19. Learn how to knit anything at all.
20. Draw a picture of stick figures on a chalk board. If you can find chalk. And a chalkboard.
21. Close the blinds. Turn off the lights. You do not have to answer. You do not have to unlock the door. You do not have to pull back the sheets. You are perfectly fine here. Alone.
But it’s 2:30am and the crack in your window is letting all the winter wind take refuge in your kitchen and the phone rings. And you answer. And you unlock the door because you’d never admit it to yourself but god how good it feels to be held. Just to be held. And you know you haven’t seen him in a week, haven’t talked much about anything except pizza, spent too many days in silence, asked him for things he would have never chosen to give you. You have convinced yourself this would be what you want.
You grab another blanket from underneath him because his hands feel like they are wearing mittens of ice cubes and the radiators have been doing a good job at sleeping through this winter. You fall into the darkness hidden in his collarbone. The morning is just as cold as the night. You turn on the coffee pot, hope holding this cup will make anything feel warmer.